In fact, i got to a point where i didn't pray anymore and decided that Zen was my path.
For decades, my spiritual focus became Zen, emptiness, Koan study, mostly using the teachings of Seung Sahn,.and being part of the Five Mountain Zen Order.
During this time, i met several Zen students who were Christian and exploring meditation and Zen.
While i do think i have learned a lot from my Zen experience, there was something missing. Emptiness and I am part of all this is interesting, but its meaningless.
Over the last several years, i have watched the impact of atheism on our society. Our culture has changed for the worse. If life is meaningless and it goes nowhere, what is the point? Why do we need morals? It's like it is ok to push down any negative feelings, any shame and who cares about any one else. Where did all these morals come from anyway and why do they resonate so strongly with me?
One of the ideas that came up was the thought that people have been attacking Christianity for thousands of years and i should look at things a bit deeper. I have had so many thoughts about how silly religion is over the years. So I decided to start questioning my thoughts and to look deeper. I started looking at the Catechism of the Catholic church, the writings St. Thomas Aquinas, the Churches position on evolution and many more.
This was an interesting journey. One thing i noticed was how i hadn't realized how the 12 steps is really based on Christianity, in fact a lot of my old AA prayers that i stopped doing over the years really helped me in returning to the Church.
So to make a long story short, I have returned to the Catholic Church, I have returned to the Sacraments including several long confessions as i went through all my sins over the last 30 years and I though i was a pretty good guy. I did make amends as part of the twelve step program, but now i was a heretic, while atheism as never sat well with me, i still would state my opinions that religion was just plain wrong and life was better without judgment.
In fact, here i am, now a prodigal son. As i started going back to the church, that was one of the first stories i heard again and it was moving that i can get a second chance with Jesus. Obviously, this isn't a place for religious arguments, but for me i have found my faith again, I have investigated the arguments that i made before and come out stronger. The straw men i put in my head were becoming silly.
Zen and Catholicism
I am not sure what i can use from my previous posts. While I have never thought of Buddha as God, just a teacher. There are several Catholic monks who have studied Buddhism and meditation as well and i have read some of them, mainly Thomas Merton. But, it seems to me that a lot of the Buddhist teachings aren't going to help me with this.
Things that have changed
My mantra has changed to "Thy will be done". I do chant every night, but it is now the Rosary and the meditation is more guided and about the mysteries for the given day.
I may update this and my previous posts, not sure yet. But I am now Catholic, I believe in God, I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I am trying to live that way now and I am happier, I have more joy in my life.
